


I Know You're not Him

by 100percentfluffster



Series: Don't Touch the Fledgling [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Consensual Blood Drinking, Determined Simon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healing Simon, Healthy Coping, Patient Raphael, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, ace!raphael, healthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 23:49:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11611524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100percentfluffster/pseuds/100percentfluffster
Summary: This is a follow up of Don't Touch the FledglingRaphael and Simon are struggling to deal with the aftereffects of Simon's assault. Raphael misses the intimacy they had and Simon is determined to work for it. Simon wants to be able to drink Raphael's blood and vice versa but painful memories make it difficult.ORSimon and Raphael share blood for the first time since Simon's assault.





	I Know You're not Him

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't expect to write this, but I was dealing with some of my own memories, and I felt connected to Simon.   
> This is a healthy relationship and a patient and united attempt to work through trauma. On both sides.

Raphael can feel the blurry edge of consciousness pushing itself closer. It’s not the rough awakening of an alarm clock or restlessness though, but rather the warmth of waking up wrapped around your loved one’s scent and touch. He hums as he nuzzles further into Simon’s chest and he inhales deeply the calming scent of caramel and cold. His nose comes to rest in the hollow of Simon’s throat and he idly begins to press small kisses to the skin there. He can hear Simon sigh in comfort and he can feel a small grin turn up the sides of his own lips. 

He idly noses over to the divot between shoulder and neck and nibbles delicately at the skin above Simon’s pulse point. They’ve done this hundreds of times now, and Raphael wants to bite down ever so gently and taste the caramel that he can smell so strongly. He nips at the cold skin and waits for Simon’s mumbled consent, but he feels Simon’s body stiffen underneath him. Raphael’s mind is fuzzy with sleep and his brows crinkle in confusion as his lips still in reaction. Simon is pulling away from him now, muscles all tense and Raphael’s eyes burst open in realization as the memories come flooding back to him. 

He lurches away from his younger boyfriend’s body while still keeping his arms around the other’s waist. He looks into Simon’s confused and panicked eyes and feels shame begin to roll through his stomach. The fiasco with Atticus had been weeks ago, but Simon’s still struggling with the aftermath of the invasion, and Raphael never wants to push Simon. He curses himself mentally, though he knows he didn’t do it consciously. 

“Simon,” Raphael says softly, trying to keep the guilt out of his voice. “Come back to me, mi amor.” 

Simon blinks several times, trying to both stay awake and concretely remember where he is. “Rafa?” he mumbles. His body is still tense but Raphael can feel it relaxing underneath his hands. “What’s happening?” 

Raphael moves forward very slowly and presses a couple of hard kisses to Simon’s forehead as his hands rub small circles into his back comfortingly. “We’re in bed, carino.” He glances at the clock and adds, “Another hour or so before we have to be up.” 

Simon whines low in his throat and Raphael chuckles at the familiarity of the noise. Simon pushes his body back into Raphael’s with a sleepy clumsiness that is far too adorable for how early it is. Simon curls himself up so he’s smaller and rests his head against Raphael’s chest with a huff. Simon slurs together several words, which surely made sense to the fledgling at the time, but don’t come together to form any sort of sentence to Raphael’s ears.

Raphael waits until he feels Simon’s body go completely limp with sleep before he carefully slips out from underneath him. He covers Simon in the blankets, knowing that Simon prefers it even though he can’t feel the cold. Raphael gets ready and changed for the day in silence. He glances back at Simon before he quietly leaves the room and heads down to his office. He has work to do. 

The hotel is completely devoid of any noise or movement as Raphael walks through the hallways and down to the main level. He stops in front of the doors to his study and closes his eyes. There’s an itch under his skin that’s painful and leaves him very nearly at the verge of tears. He shakes his head and clears his throat before he unlocks the door before him. 

He feels the gentle presence of home  and safety flood over him as he walks to his large ornate desk. The smell of books, some centuries old, and his own cologne finally allows him to relax, if just minutely. 

He drags a hand over his face as he falls into his large wingback chair, sulking as he eyes the pile of paperwork he has to do. He closes his eyes and all he can see is Simon pressed into the wall again. The fear in those brown eyes. Raphael’s eyes spring open and he swallows to try and alleviate the ache in his throat. 

Raphael has felt guilt about a lot of things. He may not be as old as some of the more powerful vampires around, but he understands the pressure of guilt and self hatred with an alarming clarity. It’s something he’s always dealt with,  _ struggled _ with. Simon falling into his life was a blessing upon Raphael. Suddenly there was someone who would tell him, every time, that he’s not a monster. Would praise him for his ability to say God’s name and go to evening mass. Simon effortlessly drags Raphael out of his own mind when needed, or brings him a glass of blood to silently offer his support. 

The guilt twisted inside him now is worse than anything in his past. The man he has sworn to protect, with his eternal immortality and undead life, had been assaulted because he had been too caught up in himself to notice. Despite that Simon has not turned away from his clan leader. Raphael is still graced with that beaming smile and the terrible jokes and the incessant rambling every day. The idea of that disappearing leaves Raphael paralyzed with fear.

And this morning he had been foolish. He had hurt Simon, who deserves only the kindness of love and the comfort of family. But  _ Dios Mio _ , does he miss Simon and the easy intimacy they had built together. He’ll never push Simon too far, will never demand Simon to give him something unwillingly, but his entire being is drawn to him. He wants to hold and touch and smell his fledgling. Wants to hear that quiet gasp upon the initial bite into neck. Wants to taste caramel and trade bloody kisses. Raphael had no idea he’d become so dependent upon the other, and he doesn’t find it alarming or vulnerable. He finds it _ strengthening _ , finally finding someone who can help hold the weight of the world Raphael feels on his shoulders every day.

A new surge of guilt spreads through him as he wonders how long it will take to return to the way they were. Content. He feels cold and slimy at the thought. This isn’t about him, it’s about the love of his life. But there’s an anxiety settling deep, too deep, into his heart at the possibility of never finding that contentedness again. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there, brooding,when there’s a soft, almost tentative, knock at the door that pulls the leader from his thoughts. Raphael frowns in confusion, unsure who would be awake at this hour. But he calls them in with a calm voice. Simon’s unruly hair pops around the door to peer into the study. His eyes are big and a bit glassy still from sleep as he focuses them on Raphael slowly. “Rafa?” Simon asks, his voice small and weak. 

Raphael’s back straightens to attention at the nickname, hating how scared Simon sounds. “Simon,” he breathes, already standing and making his way over to the door. “What’s wrong?” 

Simon sniffles and shuffles his way further into the room so he can shut the door behind him. Raphael’s hand lands softly on Simon’s elbow, unsure how to comfort him, how much contact he would be comfortable with right now. Simon has encased himself in a tight cocoon of blankets, pulling them shut around his body leaving only his hair, eyes, and nose visible. Raphael, at any other time, would appreciate the ridiculous adorableness of his boyfriend, but not now. 

Simon allows his head to slump forward and rest on Raphael’s shoulder, slowly pressing the rest of his body into the leader’s until Raphael is supporting the majority of Simon’s weight. Raphael slowly brings his arms around Simon, embracing him as well as steadying him. His hand comes up to settle in his hair, his palm directly over where Simon’s head wound had been. After a long moment of silence, Raphael gently picks Simon up and walks over to the large couch nearby, placing him comfortably on the cushions. Raphael looks down at him and asks, “Have you fed yet, mi vida?” 

Simon’s eyes flicks from Raphael’s eyes to his neck and then to the floor. He shakes his head and Raphael moves to exit the room and bring back a glass of chilled blood. He’s nearly to the door when he hears Simon’s voice, barely audible even to his enhanced senses. “Wait.” 

Raphael turns to see Simon gazing at him with desperation and what appears to be determination. Simon fights free from his blankets so he can make grabby hands towards the clan leader. Raphael huffs with amusement and returns to Simon, settling in next to the boy and pulling him into a hug. His concern still lingers though and he says softly, “I know you didn’t feed last night. Your body, as young as you are, needs constant blood to work properly.” 

Simon pulls back enough to look into Raphael’s eyes. His teeth bite into his lower lip as he stutters, trying to say something. Anything. His hand trails up Raphael’s arm and he watches his own fingers dance gently over Raphael’s pulse point. There’s no rhythm set under the skin but to Simon it still feels alive. Raphael’s breath catches in a gasp at the feeling of pressure on the vulnerable area between neck and shoulder. Simon sighs and says, “I wanna try. I wanna…” 

Raphael takes the hand and pulls it to his chest, leaning forward to place a kiss upon Simon’s nose. “You don’t have to,” Raphael says. “ _ We _ don’t have to. For as long as it takes.” 

“What if I never figure it out?” 

“Then I’ll still wait. And still love you with everything I have.” 

Simon closes his eyes for a long moment and Raphael watches a couple tears spill over and trail down Simon’s left cheek. Raphael’s mouth waters at the smell of caramel and a second after the reaction his stomach clenches in self disgust. 

Simon’s eyes open and there’s a gleam of something there, some emotion so strong it leaves the fledgling shaking where he sits. Simon begins to move and it’s slow and deliberate, his eyes remaining on Raphael’s. He slips his leg over Raphael’s and gently slides into his lap, straddling him. Simon sighs unsteadily and he weakly pulls at the blankets. Raphael reaches over and pulls them up and back over Simon’s shoulders, making a calming pressure and presence of safety. 

Simon leans forward and presses their foreheads together, his eyes closed. Raphael watches the bare emotions play out over Simon’s face and tries to fight the elation he feels at having Simon so close. He feels like he’s betraying Simon, over and over again. This isn’t about him, it’s about  _ Simon. _

Raphael rubs small circles into Simon’s back and waits patiently. It’s not too long before Simon pulls back again and his hand comes to press against his own pulse point. He runs his index finger across it and circling the spot where he had been bit before. Raphael remains silent but his eyes don’t leave Simon’s hand. 

Simon presses his palm over the area and he leans forward to press a couple of light kisses across Raphael’s jaw, moving down it and along his throat. Raphael’s body both tenses and relaxes the second Simon’s soft lips finds his unbeating pulse. Simon chokes on a breath when he tries to say something. His second attempt he manages to speak, “Can I?” 

Raphael’s stomach swoops with anticipation but he pauses to think of his words. “Of course, but only if you want to, Simon. I’m not expecting anything from you, you understand that, right?” 

Simon moves away from Raphael’s neck to look at him and there’s a small grin on his face, and Raphael is astounded by his fledgling’s beauty. Simon presses his smile into Raphael’s lips and murmurs, “I know. That’s why I...Can I?” 

Raphael just nods and tilts his head to the side, giving Simon the perfect angle. Simon presses more kisses to skin before he very slowly licks over the sensitive skin. Raphael shudders and he can feel Simon’s smile as it forms. Raphael hears the quiet noise of Simon’s fangs sliding into place and he closes his eyes, just waiting for Simon, letting him lead at every point. 

Simon bites down achingly slowly and it sends waves of soft pleasure through Raphael’s body. It sends a shiver down his spine and he whimpers slightly, trying to stay quiet. Raphael’s hands grip Simon’s hips and pull him closer. It’s not an arousing sensation, but a feeling of complete vulnerability. Of trust. Love and affection and wonderment washing through his veins. He feels a bloody tear fall from his eye when Simon begins to suck blood into his mouth, relishing each swallow. He  _ missed _ this. He keeps his grip light, and makes sure the blankets don’t fall from around Simon’s slight body. He loses himself in the warmth of the moment, shivers running through him at the intensity of his emotions as he feels the pull of his blood leaving him. 

Simon licks over the wound after a couple of minutes of slow drinking. And he watches as the blood clots and the small punctures heal over. Raphael’s head is swimming slightly at the loss of blood and his relief and his love for the man in his arms. Simon places a hand on Raphael’s neck and slowly tilts his head back to look at him. Raphael lets out a hitched breath that sounds alarmingly like a sob. Another one claws out of his chest when Simon very deliberately bares his own throat to Raphael. 

“Simon, you--” Raphael whispers. 

“I know. But I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tired of... “ Simon takes a deep breath to try and steady his voice. “I know you’re not him. I know you won’t hurt me. I can’t promise it’ll work, or that I can do this, but I want to  _ try _ .” Raphael feels pride well up in his gut and he kisses Simon, it’s a hard press of closed lips that help both of them remember the trust they share. 

Simon pulls back and stretches his neck just slightly to the side. Raphael’s fangs pop out at the sight but he places kisses to Simon’s throat, just like he had done to Raphael. When his lips close over Simon’s skin, Simon shivers. Raphael pulls back just enough to mumble into the pale skin, “I love you.” 

He places one hand in Simon’s hair, cradling his head to keep the other steady. The other hand finds the small of Simon’s back and holds him in place. Raphael’s bite is even slower than Simon’s, wanting to give the fledgling time to pull back or protest. Simon’s chest is completely still against Raphael’s, Simon too busy trying to stay in the moment to care about breathing. 

Simon mewls softly when Raphael’s bite is fully closed and his entire body goes limp once he feels the suction of Raphael’s lips. Raphael easily takes the weight and hums as he drinks, savouring every drop of caramel and the bare taste of Simon that passes his lips. Simon’s eyes roll slightly as emotions run rampant through his mind. His body feels warm and tingly and heavy, the thought of Raphael drinking his blood making him even more lightheaded. Simon feels like he’s floating without a care, because he knows, deep in his bones and soul, that Raphael will catch him if he falls. 

But a memory slams to the front of his consciousness, the feeling of a bite ripping out flesh. Simon flinches and the next sound he makes is from fear. Raphael immediately pulls away, a strong and fast lick over the wounds for them to clot and begin healing. Simon’s head falls onto Raphael’s shoulder as he cries. Simon can hear familiar spanish being whispered into his ear as he fights his way back to the present. The feeling of strong arms around him grounds him, and Raphael’s voice comforts and soothes the phantom pains. 

Simon sighs and slumps further into the body beneath him. “I’m sorry,” Simon whispers. 

Raphael places a lingering kiss to his temple and replies, “No, don’t apologize, mi corazon. I’m so proud of you, Simon.” Simon blinks in confusion when he hears the words, Raphael’s voice audibly tear filled. 

“What?” 

Raphael chuckles ever so lightly and responds, “I’m proud of you. You’re so much braver than anyone I’ve ever met, Simon.” 

“It’s a start, right?” Simon asks as he finally lifts his head to look at Raphael’s tear stained face. 

Raphael nods and smiles, “Absolutely. That’s all we need, a start. And we have all of eternity for you to become comfortable with this again, Si. Never feel ashamed or guilty, the only thing I want is for you to be happy and healthy.” 

Simon feels his own tears welling up and he nuzzles back into the warmth of Raphael’s neck, letting out a sigh. There’s a lot of disappointment in himself, but there’s also the light of hope there. He did it. With Raphael, he’s sure that he can find himself again. 

**Author's Note:**

> I want to make sure that the blood sharing effects were understood correctly.   
> They're not feeling like a sexual arousal but rather really intense emotional reactions. It makes them feel sort of buzzed and safe and trusted and vulnerable. Like a soft cloud surrounding them with warmth. Contentedness. 
> 
> Let me know what you think and/or if you have any ideas for the next potential installment in this series. I will only be manifesting or representing a healthy relationship between these two, and the coping and fall out of a couple working through a traumatic event. 
> 
> Thanks


End file.
